I was lazin around thinking what to do...actually gettin irked cos the house is real loud now.....got carpenters in the house  making wardrobes n assembling shoe racks...bang bang bang....

I go online n see my best buddy there who logged in between her booty sleep cos she had a feeling I'd be there.So she chats me up for a few mns and when she's about to drop off in her sleep no matter how hard we try we cant say goodbye...that simple process took half an hr and then I take pity cos she looks so haggard in her negligee...poor thing...last month I saw her in person and that encounter was like after 6 or 7 years...so the relationship is all sparkling now...

Frankly, I dont know what to write ...i'm just so lost and happpy, she made my day...

Smiles to You all

 

Me skipped oceans on the 5 th of this month to spend one fast week in India....landed back yesterday...

Why exactly did I go? Cos I was suffocating here anyway and since i wasnt paying for the tickets , thought I might as well hop along. Refreshed those seemingly older bones of mine.Got to see the open sky approximately after 3 months, no kidding and loads of sunlight and fresh air too, heaven ! Needless to say ,I now sport a small tan too. No shopping done, none of the usual crap, Just spent quality time with family and highly irritating moments, albeit very short seconds, with unimportant relatives who are adamant in dictating terms as to how you should be living your own life....some things never change, the latest plea is to bless their life with a baby, yup nuthin less, makes me wonder whatevr happened to their highly lubricant uteruses. Which I should also add, most of ém have removed theirs...probably thats why...

bye fellas

 

Mortals....

I just called up my mother and she had a bit of gossip to share...a friend of mine, a quiet and distant relative, a purely benign and attractive soul, a pretty face was divorcing after about 4 months of holy matrimony. In this side of the globe thats earth shattering news and also something that brings in huge disgraces. The female won't be spared. I can see it all coming. Two educated people going their different ways on issues relating to dowry. The girl was mentally tortured , so was her parents. It will take them aeons to recover. Oh and by the way the description given above of being pretty and all is about the girl, the guy should smile at night to notify people of his presence. Their marriage was a big affair and why did she marry him in a hurry? Cos her brother had tied the knot with an old looking angrezi mem in a hurry and before that could cause ripples of disgust , the girl was given away. Sigh...we all still have a long way to go and also lots to learn.

Goodnight

 

Sam...

Whoever you are and wherever you might be right now , I truly hope that the sun shines a little more on your side of the globe today and that all the stars you see tonight are the clearest ever.

Bluebells and daffodils,

Megan

I am in such a mess now. And maybe if I threw a porcelain plate right across the floor and heard it shatter to peices, perhaps the inner turmoil would find some peace and stop chattering from within, atleast for a while. who am I kidding? This will take more than a plate, I'll need all the china and porcelain in the world for this trash to stop eating be at me. Maybe I'll need a fine peice of blade to sewer the veins that keep my arms and who knows what not running....

I want the world to end right now, to stop going round in circles because its making me nauseous.

I want to puke out all the food I ever ate, and wash my system clean , of all muck and grease.

I want to rest now.

Forever and in peace.

Burnt rays of the melting sun, Seethed at the moist earth below. Flowers fell and agony cried, Was tomorrow just a dream? I should have known and I should have woken up... To caress the falling clouds, And wipe all those rusting tears, That smelt of copper and vicious lies. But I slept in blissful ignorance ... Thinking fate was not within my beautiful reach. And even if I did reach, Born would be a hole in the palm of my twisted hand... Tomorrow came in shades of blue, And hugged the lonesome beggar spreading cheer, Lilacs laughed and blue bells rang, But alas it was the very last day... I know tomorrow is the last day ... And its arms are outstretched. Can I hold it for a fleeting second and come home? Just one more day, oh please let me stay.

I have realized with painful experiences that love is a reality that is not to be ignored. I’d always maintained that it’s such a waste of time and precious emotions and that such stuff always hampered the sanity of holy matrimony. So when love was offered to me when I deserved it, I turned my back. Moreover I couldn’t have been bothered, not because I lack the hormones that drive females crazy but because I firmly believed that marriage was what true love was all about. And now when the benign forces of fate roped me up into marriage I have been denied the pleasures of being in love for a lifetime. And being a stubborn asshole I will not forgive and forget, wiser mortals will tell me I’m being foolish. Maybe, but I still believe that there was someone out there made for me but I missed him somehow. And no, I wont settle in as a second preference. Megan will never be in love now, instead she’ll be a relic of her old self and spend each second of everyday wiping off silent tears. And do you know how much it hurts when a person has spend half her lifetime dreaming about certain stuff and then wakes up to find out that that very certain stuff has been denied to her. Well, why then does she not leave and find peace within herself, because when she leaves there are people out there who will be denied a lifetime of peace because of her. People she dearly loves. But megan is a strong dreamer and is also very stubborn, she will punish herself to death. She will not relent and make peace with what has been dished out to her and lap it up. She will die, slowly but surely. And man, nothing can hurt more than this.

And I thought this was what I’d been waiting for… This look and furtive smiles Thrown carelessly at my wuthering heart My first love was beautiful And will never age But it wont last either Because I was late again I plucked the flower that was tended by the strings of another soul I don’t like all these tears And all the silence encapsulated in tiny bags of suffocation And tied together by the strongest ropes of love I wont make it again.. I wont color myself no more This music is also killing me’ And why amidst all of you…I’m so alone Just why cant someone look at this side And save me … I took it all this easily I didn’t tie time to my hair I didn’t do anything worthwhile Because you all were there And lethargy was a convenience few could afford. Oh how many times I told you all that I was right That I should be left to the strumming of my own soul That I needed none to fill any void that didn’t exist. And now I’m left barren and my smiles also aborted my very being And when my child smiled at me, I didn’t pick her up. You my brother, were my breath And I didn’t even talk to you when you sought me out from the maddening crowd Because I thought I would cry out my woes And paint you blue. But I do love you so And when I do leave please know that you all will be leaving with me I’m leaving nothing behind Except the flower I plucked For I want to laugh with mirth again From the very depths of my cracked throat Its been long. I need to go For love is a lie, I know now And I don’t want to live a lie…

I started the day with a cup of warm water, some deep breathing and stretching exercises, went huff-puff over the stairs, listened to a loud song from some singer and waited for the good results to pour in. Femina (I told u times are bad) promised me wonders. Unused to all this and maybe having done it in the wrong order, by the time the black woman sang her song, I was dizzy. The warm water and stairs when taken to suddenly, one fine day, coupled with attempts to breathe deeply leaves u feeling slightly deranged and then subjecting yourself to loud music isn’t too much of a good idea. I wish I had stopped there, instead I went on all fours (they said ‘cat position’), stretched, craned my neck backwards and did something to my spine which definitely didn’t sound good, tried to relax and then repeat the procedure (10-15 times). I am now bedridden. Almost.

This has been one of the slowest and most boring phases of my life. Almost 7 months wasted on nothing but I am grateful for all that has happened. Grateful is the last word I thought I would use to describe this scary period but ‘grateful’ is the one. For I have learned what I otherwise would have never learned and sort of have grew up too. I mean I have realized that half the problem is within me itself and not the world as I always have been complaining, that if I looked at it sensibly, I myself have always been the problem. And what I have overlooked many times have been unforgivable mistakes of mine. I have realized that I have spent a great portion of my life giving too much importance to myself and have always been insensitive to those around me. I have taken everything and everybody for granted. Love has almost always been verbal or superficial and never been acted upon. Maybe I’m being a bit too harsh on myself but it is well deserved. And yet I don’t feel bitter but I do feel extremely concerned about the undoing part. To undo every mistake and get a fresh start. Specifically with the people who have for so long put up with my nastiness and me. And yet after realizing all this, I still know that there is still more I need to know about myself before it is too late. Irrevocably late.